Feedback is a double-edged sword – powerful for growth but tough to hear. Whether it’s improving a skill, leading a team, or refining creative work, feedback is invaluable. Yet, how we react to it can make or break the result.
A Feedback Failure in Action
A situation I’ve encountered more than once is like the following: Someone asks me for feedback. I take time to craft a thoughtful response, often starting with “In my impression, xyz…” to make it clear it’s just my perspective and not some universal truth. Because well, I can’t speak for the whole world but just from my point of view.
And the reaction is rejection or defense of my point of view. Typically like: “I did it that way because…”, “That’s not true, because…”, “I think you misunderstood what I meant.”
The tone is immediately a justification or even slightly aggressive. Either way, I usually stop giving feedback pretty quickly in those situations. Why? Because it seems clear to me that the person isn’t ready to hear it – even though I was asked for it.
The worst thing that could happen is, that the reaction is perceived as a counter-attack by the person giving feedback, which then also counter-attacks back. ´I saw this once as a bystander. Well – that escalated quikly.
Don’t go Defensive
Defensiveness is a natural reaction. When we hear something that challenges our assumptions or touches a nerve, it’s easy to feel the need to protect ourselves. – Let’s set aside the case where feedback is given in a deliberately hurtful way.
Anyways: when you ask for feedback, you’re inviting someone to share their perspective. If your immediate response is to reject it, you’re essentially telling them their perspective isn’t valid. Not only does this shut down a productive conversation, but it also discourages the other person from giving you feedback in the future.
How to work with the Feedback
Well this was quite some text about how things can go wrong and how not to do it. But could we do any better? I usually try to
- Listen First: Let the person finish without interrupting. Even if you disagree.
- Pause Before Reacting: Resist the urge to respond immediately.
- Ask Clarifying Questions: Ask for examples or more details: “Can you elaborate on what you meant by xyz?”, “How do you come to this opinion?”, “Was there a certain incident, event that made you think like this?”
- Thank the Person: Even if the feedback stings, acknowledge the effort they’ve taken to help you. A simple “Thanks for sharing that” goes a long way.
- Reflect Later: After the conversation, take time to reflect on the feedback.
Do you even WANT Feedback?
Yes, asking for feedback is an act of exposing yourself. But when you ask for feedback, you’re asking someone to give you their time and energy. If your reaction is to reject, you’re wasting their investment.
So, before you ask for feedback, ask yourself: Am I ready to just take the feedback? If the honest answer is “no”, this is totally fine! But then, better hold off until you are.
Or … maybe you are seeking validation? If so – like you are sharing something you’re proud of – acknowledge that for yourself and share it as an act of joy, not as a call for critique. Both are totally valid, but knowing the difference is key.